Tales from Barry’s Bootcamp – Day 1

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Amy Witry grew up in Iowa eating corn and performing clown shows for her neighborhood.  She currently is a comedian, writer, and dog walker living in Los Angeles.  She has a blind cat and season tickets to the New Orleans Saints.  Follow her on twitter: @amywitry

 

When you’re unemployed there is no excuse to be out of shape. In fact it’s
embarrassing if you’re not working and not working out. With gays (Allen and Craig) by
my side for reinforcement, we joined Barry’s Bootcamp in Weho for the 8am academy.
There were also 5 & 6:30am class options, but those seemed to be for people with office
jobs.

I was driving to BBC at 7:30am in drizzle with zero sun. I began to wonder if this was
the dumbest decision of my life. This is SLEEP-IN weather. By 7:50am I was on the
treadmill warming up and trying to gauge Barry’s level of crazy. Impossible to tell.

8:00am–Barry gets on his headset and it begins. I’m on the bench doing reps with 12lb.
weights. Barry makes fun of some guy using small weights telling him “his sister wants
to use those so he should put them back.” I laugh and tell myself that I love Barry. I do a
quick scan of the gym and see Craig and Allen are on the treadmills running along with a
bunch of hot dudes.

8:01am-I think to myself, “I’m thankful to live in a gay world.”

8:10-8:30–We take turns on the bench, floor, and treadmill. I manage to survive and
then think maybe this was a good idea after all. Good workout–lots of energy. Dare I say
FUN?

8:31am–I start to smell the essence of men and wonder why they always smell so much
worse than lady sweat? Ewww. Trying to not go all OCD thinking about what my towel
and water bottle are touching. I can no longer use my towel on my face so I wipe the
sweat with the inside of my shirt like the playas in the NBA. I’m a BALLA obviously.

8:35am–Barry barks and calls me a newbie because I can’t figure out the treadmill even
though I’ve been on it four times by now. I might be a little dizzy and there is whole new
level of sweat dripping in my eyes.

8:38am–Allen’s water bottle goes flying off the treadmill for the second time and I find
this hilarious. I didn’t laugh very hard though because I’m desperately trying to conserve
energy. By 
8:40 my pal Craig’s shirt comes off. He hasn’t thrown up yet though so that’s
a REALLY good sign.

8:50–My last turn on the treadmill–speed is 7.0 but mercifully he lets us bring the incline
from 6.0 to 2.0. I will never cheat in this class because the punishment is always worse.
Plus I don’t want to be an asshole.

9am–Stretch cool down begins. I refuse to breathe through my nose because of the
surrounding MAN ESSENCE. AKA Messence.

By 10am my beet red workout face has faded to a ‘really bad sunburn’ level. I’m excited
for tomorrow’s class. And I’m also dreading it. And I’m so hungry I could eat my cat.
She’s only 6lbs. and I’m a vegetarian so I settle for a banana and peanut butter.