5:37 am–I wake up and realize that the insane people who attend the 5 am Barry’s Bootcamp are probably sprinting on treadmills right now. I thank the time gods and the recession that I have more sleep time.
7:50— Allen and I are walking into Barry’s discussing which treadmills are “best”. I tell him I don’t like the ones in the corner and he says the whole gym is like a dark corner but without the happy ending. I jump on a treadmill and try to “warm up”. My arms are so heavy and sore that I know now what it feels like to be a gorilla. But with much less hair.
7:54–Craig arrives and jumps on treadmill next to us and we all discuss our sore arms. Most of the other gays are wearing black tanks. Allen says he didn’t get the black tank top memo and he seems worried his gay street cred is threatened.
8:00–Barry starts barking in his headset and we all shuffle to our death. It’s LEGS day.
8:01-8:15–We alternate lunging and squatting with weights and all sorts of ridiculousness. I check the clock and am SURE it’s past 8:30. I am wrong and I start getting angry.
8:16–Barry scream sings along with the music and if I had any strength left in my arms I’d probably throw a weight at him.
8:17-8:40--We continue with the most painful leg exercises possible – jumping up on benches, side squats, ten million calf raises and other forms of waterboarding torture tactics. Craig loses his shirt. I notice him jumping on the benches with more energy than anyone should have and it makes me angry.
8:41–I notice Allen and Barry having a discussion about jumping onto the benches. Allen later tells me his legs were getting so tired he was afraid he’d miss the bench and bust his front teeth. A new irrational fear is planted in my head.
8:45–The outside death march begins. We take turns JUMPING with weights in our hand in a giant circle. The commuters driving by probably assume we are part of some horrific reality show. Barry makes a joke about Curves and I love him again.
8:50–We head back inside to the fresh stench of messence. Perhaps all the squatting and lunging has also contributed to the atmosphere because I smell balls. Specifically ball sweat.
8:51-8:54–Ab work. I never thought I say to myself, “Oh yay–ABS!” But I was thrilled to be on my back.
8:55–Barry decides we’re going to go out with a bang and we’re finish the class doing some dead lift, squat, jump combo. I want to stab him.
9:00–Stretch and cool down begins. The music is some blaring acoustic painful bitch ballad and I am pretty sure I hate the world.
9:10-9:30–We chat outside and try to figure out how it could get worse. Allen says, “What body part is left?” I don’t even want to think about the rest of the week because its only day two and all my parts hurt so much it’s painful to drive.