Tales from Barry’s Bootcamp – Day 3

Amy Witry

7:15 am — Allen wanders out of his room looking like a disheveled mannequin and says, “I can’t move. I think I’m broken.” I tell him to go take the hottest shower he can and see how he feels. I tell him that he can just do the exercises really slowly in class. He’s like my giant baby. 

 I decide to take a hot shower as well but not with Allen though. That would be weird.

7:35 am — We head to the car without speaking. Allen’s turn to drive. We don’t talk the whole way, but we’re not in a fight. 

 By 7:50am we’re warming up on the treadmills noting all the new gays.

8:00 am — Barry starts talking and I mention to the guy next to me that the sound of Barry’s voice makes me angry. He said he’s only been here 3 days and it doesn’t bother him yet. He’s a super cute gay and he takes his shirt off. And I don’t remember anything he said after.

8:00—8:10 am — We’re running (incline changing between 2.0, 7.0 and 15.0). The key is to keep the incline at WHATEVER Barry says otherwise you’ll run stairs. Speed is usually up to you–but if you’re not running you’ll stand out. I start doing some serious math in my head. If there are 3 groups of people and I’m the first group on the treadmill then I’ll be on for 20 minutes? IS that right? Turns out I can’t do math and run at the same time.

8:12 am — I accidentally hit the wrong button on the treadmill and now I’m doing hill intervals, which is all bad. I can’t seem to get it back to the right incline and I try to stop and start over but I know that if Barry comes over and my incline isn’t at 15, I’m dead–as are my neighbors. He will punish us all. I’m not trying to cheat. I’m just a spaz. I finally manage to get the incline to 15 again and then it DROPS! I frantically start pushing all the buttons trying to get it back up and Barry comes over to assess. In between breaths I say, I accidentally hit hill intervals and I can’t fix it. I think he senses I’m a not a cheater but an idiot and I’m relieved. He restarts the machine for me.

8:15-8:20 am — I now know what eternity feels like.

8:21-8:40 am — Craig and Allen get on the treadmill. Craig takes his shirt off or maybe he wasn’t even wearing one. They start the treadmill hell and I move to the floor with my new cute gay partner. UPGRADE! We start doing a variety of arm, shoulder and back exercises. I’m not sure how we started at the push-up station but I’m controlling my anger pretty well until the Jamie Foxx song, “Blame it on the alcohol . .” comes on. I want to punch a baby I’m so annoyed. How is this song still alive? I will say that the music today is by far my favorite. It’s a great mix (minus Jamie Foxx). I realize that most gays love the same music. BUT not all gays are created equal.

8:41-8:50 am — We all rotate between stations doing various shoulder back and arm exercises. I hear Barry call Craig to the chin-up station and I thank GOD I’m not Craig. 

I think I’m in heaven when I realize I get to lie down and basically do bench presses. I’m so happy to be on my back that I don’t even mind that I’m in someone else’s sweat.

8:51 am — I have a brand new irrational fear of someone dropping a dumbbell on my face and breaking my teeth. I’m so focused on my latest worst nightmare that I’m not even doing the correct exercise. Cute new Upgrade Gay corrects me.

8:52–8:58 am — We continue rotating stations and I catch a whiff of something I hope to never smell again. It’s the ultimate messence. I decide I’d rather have a dumbbell hit my face (and not chip my teeth) than smell that again.

8:59 am — Barry comes by and gives me thumbs up. I grunt and he says something and then I say “AWESOME”. I can fake it.

9:00 am — Cool down starts and I start thinking about food and I realize I’m glad Barry doesn’t know my name (other than treadmill spaz girl with giant ass and cherry red face) yet.

9:05-9:10 am — We’re chatting outside class with our fellow unemployed brethren and a fellow boot camper PROMISES us it will get easier. We start asking him for magic potions and jobs and unicorns.