Tales from Barry’s Bootcamp – Day 4

Amy Witry

BBC Tales–Day 4

7:16am—I wake up and shuffle to the shower and realize my body has taken the shape of a question mark. While in the hottest shower I can stand I start ranking my aching body parts. Sorest is my ginormous butt, then quads, shoulders, triceps and biceps.

7:50am–Barry joins me on the treadmill and I sense the beginning of the end. Turns out my funny little blog have been brought to his attention by the Gay Benedict Arnold, aka, Joey Gonzales. I thought we were friends, but I guess we were just “Hollywood” friends. Heartbreaking. Evidently Joey shared some of the highlights with Barry. We discuss Man Essence (Messence), gay men and my comedy career. Sans headset his voice is pleasant and he seems human. I’m skeptically hopeful. Craig just shakes his head and Allen avoids eye contact with me.

8am–Class begins and Allen and I pair up for push-ups. Barry barks my name through his headset and I cringe and start to mentally bury Joey in the desert.

8:10–Allen’s group heads up to the treadmill and I begin a series of squat, push up, jump combo death moves. Barry barks my name through his headset and tells me he has reserved a spot right up front for me. He “helps” me with my push-ups. And by help I mean his pushes my back to make sure I’m going low enough to the floor. My face touches the floor and I seriously cannot decide what is worse. The floor or Barry “helping” me. Or Joey.

8:20–My group hits the treadmill and I’m next to Upgrade Gay. He says, “Guess it’s your turn today. Sorry. Mine was Monday.” I respond by saying “Joey.” That probably makes no sense to Upgrade Gay, but he smiles. Probably out of pity. Barry joins me on the treadmill and is confident I can go faster. I can’t even remember where the incline is–I think 7.

8:30am–Back to the floor for more back shoulder arm exercises. During the switch Craig makes sure I’m ok. He’s genuinely concerned. First time I’ve seen this. I accidentally go to the wrong spot and some gay barks at me. Shit. I apologize but honestly I can’t remember one thing to the next let alone which pool of sweat I was standing in last round. Dang. Simmer Bitch.

8:38am–Back to the treadmill. Barry barks my name through his headset again and comes over to increase my speed. I survive for about a minute then I get a little light headed–I keep forgetting to breathe properly because I’m so spazzed out. I step off the treadmill to walk outside and get some oxygen to my giant brain. I don’t die to so I go back in. Barry makes sure I’m ok which I am. I just didn’t want to pass out because I have plans today. To destroy Joey.

8:45–Back to the floor for another round of exercises. I know this round of reps hurt and I know that Barry barked my name through his headset again but I can’t really remember any other details because I’m watching the other group on the treadmill. They are jogging backwards UPHILL at an incline of 15. WTF, people? Craig has a treadmill issue and Barry comes to help and says “Don’t worry, I train pretty people all the time. I get it.” I laugh mentally. I don’t have enough spare oxygen to actually do it the right way.

8:50am–My group heads to the treadmill for some uphill backwards jogging. Our turn. OMG. Is this real? Upgrade Gay says to me, “Try to stay on your tip toes–it’s easier.” He’s so cute and helpful. I grunt. I hope he knows I mean thanks.

8:53–One final round on the floor and we’re doing overhead raises while lying on our backs on the bench. I contemplate dropping the dumbbell on my own face to make it stop because I know there is one more treadmill round coming up. I try to decide if it makes more sense to drop it on my throat, face or chest. Or through Joey’s window.

8:56am–Back to the treadmill for our final sprint. I know I only have a few minutes left but each second is hell. Upgrade Gay tells me to look straight ahead. I tell him it’s easier for me to focus when he has his shirt off. He laughs. I thank him.