Tales from Barry’s Bootcamp – Day 5

Amy Witry

I wake up and am thankful it’s finally Friday.  After this class I will be Barry free for 48 hours.  And I’ll probably miss him.



7:50 am–We check in and silently celebrate the Friday factor. The gym is still “Closed for Cleaning,” but Barry barks at us anyway and we go in and hit the treadmills. Weird.

 8:00 am–We’re instructed to pair up and Craig takes pity on me and we find a corner for ab work. We start by him lying down and I push his legs down and he lifts them back up. Of course Craig is going WAY faster than I ever would, but that might contribute to how our abs look different. This round is taking forever and it’s not even my turn yet–UGH–it’s already hurting and all I’m doing is pushing Craig’s legs.

8:08 am–My turn to get down and have Craig push my legs. Keep in mind I’m on a mat on a treadmill since some of the other gays didn’t make enough space for us on the benches. Seriously–these two have their water bottles and towels on the bench so Craig and I ended up using the treadmills. We’re obviously hardcore and they are not. It’s certainly not the worst thing that’s going to happen today.

8:09 am— Barry barks through his headset, “Craig push the shit out of her legs!” Craig laughs but does it.  The sweat has already started running down my face. I’m secretly hoping bitchy bench hogging gays end up on my treadmill and get to soak up my essence.

8:13 am–Our group hits the floor for various arm/shoulder/back exercises. I don’t really remember what Barry said to do, but I have 12lb. weights in each arm and I follow what Craig’s doing.

8:18 am–Rotate. We hit the benches and do a series of overhead raises with dumbbells and ab work. Craig said he’d rather be on the treadmill. Craig is insane. We’re on our backs–what’s to complain about?

8:22 am–Our group hits the treadmill. Incline is 7.0, and my speed is 6.0. This is almost manageable for like 5 minutes.

8:27 am–Back to the floor for push-ups. I randomly end up far from Craig but semi-near some hot guy who I haven’t seen before but seems familiar. During one of my push-up breaks where I dry my sweat of the floor so my hands don’t slip I notice that new hot guy is REALLY good at push-ups. It might be the first time I’ve seen him here, but definitely not his first time working out. Nice. Back to work. I see the shoes of Barry and pray he will just keep walking. He does not. He pushes my back multiple times to make sure I’m going low enough. THE only way I find the strength to keep going up is that the idea of my face hitting the ground with my fresh sweat mixed with other sweat and only God and Miguel knows what else almost makes me dry heave.

8:31 am–We hit the benches for more ab work. Some misc. gay takes the bench next to me so Craig is now forced to go down to the end. Because we’re professional and not bitchy we focus on our workouts and not what “space” we’re in. We’re not 5 year olds.

8:35 am–Back to the treadmill. Incline is now 10 per Barry’s bark. The newbie next to me has his on 7. I tell him, “You need to be at 10. I’m not going down because of you today.” He doesn’t even understand what that means but he increases it to 10. I feel like this is defining moment where I become Barry’s bitch. Craig is on the other side of newbie and he looks at me and nods approval.

8:40 am–Back to the floor for more weights. I pick 12lbs. again and we do some twisting ab thing that I know is the cause of why I can only take tiny short breaths right now as I type this. Jesus. OR maybe I cracked ribs.

8:45 am–We hit the benches and Craig is next to me. Take that misc. gay. I think I have a 15 lb. weight for this one because I have some weird confidence now because I semi-barked at the guy on the treadmill for messing up the incline.  It’s time for scissoring with your legs and lifting the weight up while doing crunches. I’m so completely uncoordinated and spastic that it takes me a good 30 seconds to get the rhythm and order right. My confidence is now dripping to the floor. Short lived, but fantastic. And then Barry decides to work with Craig. I close my eyes. I need to appear really focused. Barry works with Craig and then decides to move on. I know this because I hear him BARK thru the headset and also directly in my ear. He then pushes my back up to make sure I’m lifting up high enough. He keeps yelling and I keep moving and then I wish I was anywhere but on my back.

8:53 am–Final round on the treadmill. Incline is at 15. Craig is next to me. His speed is 4.0 and I’m at 3.6. I feel like I can get through this until Barry barks for Craig to go faster. Craig suggests with his eyes that I do the same. Here we go. We take turns trying NOT to look at the clock. Craig encourages me to go even faster and says “We only have a minute left.” Actually we had 2 minutes left, but he tricked me and with all the sweat in my eyes I can’t see the clock anyway.

9:01 am–Cool down time! I’m SOOO happy that I survived that I don’t even care that unknown person is overwhelming all of Weho with HIS Messence.

 9:10 am–We gather outside for a minute to breathe fresh air and it dawns on me (and by dawns on me, I mean Craig tells me) that the hot guy who does really good push-ups is Maksim from DWTS. I decide it’s time to find some fat lazy gays to make friends with. . . where are they?