Wacky Workout Wear

By Minsun Park — November 02, 2012

Workout wear technology advances every season, offering everything from sweat-wicking, odor-inhibiting, space-age polymer fabrics to anti-camel-toe-crotches. But despite all these high tech claims, basic workout wear should at least be functional and facilitate free range of movement. These following ridiculous products provide NONE of that.

SPANX BAGEL BUSTER POWER SKORT

Anybody who has ever had the experience of wearing Spanx undergarments or any other shapewear under a dress knows that it is impossible to breathe, sit, eat or even speak. Going to the bathroom requires calling 911 to get the jaws of life to cut you out of your sweaty, spandex prison. But looking sleek and smooth under your tight gown is worth a little rigor mortis as long as you stand like a silent yet beautiful statue at your fancy shindig.

I can’t even begin to imagine actually working out in Spanx! The Bagel Buster Power Skort (is it a skirt, or is it shorts? It’s both!) boasts double waistbands to slim the waistline, a compression panel and “figure firming” fabric to tone your behind. In other words, good luck breathing, much less moving. Effective workout wear shouldn’t restrict movement, nor should getting in and out of the garment be a workout in itself.

Victoria's Secret

VICTORIA’S SECRET SPORT SKIRT

Working out in a skirt is hard enough for me to imagine, working out in THIS skirt is bananas. It’s a gym, not a nightclub. Look like a girl who works out, not like a “working girl.”

YOGA SKIRT

I can sorta understand running skirts, but I cannot understand yoga skirts. Not even a little bit. Anybody who has ever done a downward dog or any inversion will share my confusion. Or maybe that does explain the yoga skirt.

PLEATHER WORKOUT JEGGINGS

What to call these? Pleather + Jeggings = Pleggings? Pleather isn’t known for its stretchiness or sweat wicking capabilities, so the mind reels.

ZAGGORA HOTPANTS

This product promises to put the “hot” in their HotPants according to some pseudo-scientific research on the special “ Celu-Lite technology fabric” of these magic pants. According to the “How it works” section of their website:

HOTPANTS™ are specially designed sports shorts that contain bio-ceramic technology, which emits far infrared rays and reflects back the heat naturally generated by the body to deliver warming up of tissue deep below the skin’s surface.

• HotPants increased the metabolic rate in the hour after 30 minutes of exercise
• HotPants increase energy expenditure in the resting stage after exercise
• The core temperature of each subject was increased when wearing HotPants

Hopefully those infrared rays will blast that imminent yeast infection which thrives in the hothouse effect of these hot pants.

SHINY WORKOUT SHORT – AMERICAN APPAREL

Any garment with warnings that it can “dull or scratch with repeated wearing” or “handle with care” may not be the most practical workout wear. Unless your workout is carefully getting in and out of your delicate workout clothes.

SAUNA SUIT

Aside from the fetish appeal of wearing an entire bodysuit made of squeaking vinyl, this one should only be used by fighters trying to drop water weight quickly to make a weight class (and even then with extreme caution) due to risk of dehydration. Or by Martin Lawrence. But for the rest of us who aren’t trying to get into fighting shape, this suit won’t help you burn fat, just temporary water weight.

NORTH FACE STOW-N-GO BRA

The Sherpa of sports bras, this hard working booby holder has a pocket in the FRONT center panel where you can store cash, keys, wallets and according to the graphic, a bottle of water (a bottle of water!?). Because that won’t look ridiculous at all when your chest has more lumps and bumps than a squirrel’s cheeks. It’s a sports bra, not a clown car.

FACE TRAINER by no!no!

This product by the aptly named no!no! company is so effective you get a facial workout just from the hilarity that ensues from watching the video.

“Technology
FaceTraining is an endurance-based, high-repetition form of resistance training for all 44 bilaterally symmetrical muscles of the face and neck. The FaceTrainer fits firmly against the skin to provide resistance and helps muscles build and tone. Basic exercise techniques improve over-all general appearance while more advanced techniques focus on specific problem areas such as the eyes, mouth and neck. As muscles build and become stronger, they fill out under the skin, giving it a smoother, healthier appearance and a natural looking lift.”

No wonder Hannibal Lechter looked so good for his age.

SAUNA PANTS

“Just Wrap and Relax” is the motto of these scary looking pants. If you’re a man looking to effectively kill your sperm count, look no further than these Sauna Pants.

Here’s the hilarious infomercial:

JAPANESE CALORIE-BURNING UNDERWEAR

These undies give a whole new meaning to the term “tighty-whities.” Apparently these undergarments are so damn constricting that the mere effort that goes into moving about causes calorie burn. Hopefully, that includes picking out wedgies. Constricting – the first word that comes to mind when shopping for workout wear.

Minsun Park is a blogger, writer and a black belt in taekwondo who gets her ass handed to her daily by her two sons. She’s written for iVillage, SheKnows, ePregnancy and is featured in “The Hot Mom’s Handbook” by Jessica Denay. She can be found on Facebook and Twitter.

Minsun Park

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