Maintaining that fit physique can be a pain in the ass – literally. Yet fitness junkies crave that sweet initial lactic acid burn, followed by that painfully satisfying DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) that lasts for days. However, scoring that lactic acid hit comes at a price and here are 12 signs that you might need a 12 step intervention for your lactic acid addiction.
1. YOU LIVE ON MT. WASHMORE
A steaming mountain of workout clothes, stinky socks and sweaty towels. Every day is laundry day, or risk #2.
2. THAT NOT SO FRESH FEELING
Whenever people wrinkle their noses and say, “What’s that smell?” It’s always you.
Whether it’s B.O. , the faint mildewy smell from your workout clothes that no amount of washing or Febreze can eliminate (let’s face it, anything left in your gym bag overnight should be burned), Tiger Balm, or some unholy combination of all three – you stink. Spritzing on a strong smelling body spray in an attempt to cover up your stank just adds another top note of synthetic stink, along with bottom notes of desperation.
3. YOUR RUNNING SHOES ARE REPRODUCING IN YOUR CLOSET
You keep telling yourself that you’re supposed to be replacing your shoes every 300 to 400 miles anyhow, so of course, you need the latest pair of Nike Air Max. But you can’t bring yourself to toss your “old” shoes which are really only three months old. Your closet looks like a branch of The Foot Locker, only stinkier.
4. YOUR CAR IS YOUR CHANGING ROOM
You get naked in your car more often than a horny teenager who just got a driver’s license. On any given day, you’ve got sweaty shorts, underwear and socks strewn in the back seat or floor, keeping those half-empty water bottles rolling around company. You’ve even mastered that perfectly nonchalant “it’s perfectly natural that I’m topless/pants-less, there’s nothing to see here” expression on your face – which is key to changing in crowded public parking lots. If you live in a city with plentiful public transportation and you go car-less (looking at you, NYC), your knickers have seen the insides of restrooms more often than Larry Craig’s has.
5. YOUR FACEBOOK FEED HAS MORE SIX-PACKS THAN A 7-11.
Not saying this is a bad thing, in fact, it’s a great thing. This extension of the gym being your social life also infiltrates your Facebook feed, as you become friends with fitness instructors with Greek God/Goddess-like physiques or other fitness fanatics with fantastic bodies – a demographic that takes lots of shirtless selfies. When you’re not posting pics of your abs, you are busily checking in to all your workout venues and annoying the everliving sh*t out of your sedentary friends who are always snarking about how much you exercise.
6. THE “FACES OF METH” HAS NOTHING ON YOU
Forget the FACES OF METH, what about the faces and bodies of Lactic Acid Addicts? Acne, flushed skin, sunburn, chafing, blisters, athlete’s foot, yeast infections are just some of the skin-related side effects for exercise enthusiasts.
Even hygiene freaks suffer from all the harsh side effects of extra hand washing, showers and disinfecting wipes or anti-bacterial gel. Getting cleaned up multiple times a day removes natural oil barriers and wreak havoc on sensitive skin.
7. YOUR “REST DAYS” ARE ANYTHING BUT RESTFUL
Maybe that’s because you’re really only resting when you have a 105-degree fever.
8. EVERYTHING HURTS
Seriously, everything. Even your hair hurts from permanent ponytails. Even if you look like a fitness model, chances are you’re walking around like a granny thanks to DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness). Maybe if you actually took a real rest day (see #7 above) you wouldn’t suffer like you do.
9. NAIL SALON DRAMA
That super fit body comes at the expense of gnarly hands and Hobbit-like feet. In my case, the Vietnamese nail ladies are horrified at the state of my blistered hands, calluses and ragged cuticles. To complicate matters even further, I also have bruises along my wrists and forearms from practicing wrist grab defenses or blocking kicks in Taekwondo. You’d think they’d offer me a discount for never having all ten toenails, but instead, they want to call the nearest battered woman’s shelter because they’re convinced I’m a victim of domestic violence who won’t ‘fess up.
10. YOU SPEND A FORTUNE ON PAINFUL MASSAGES
When your trainer is done kicking your ass, chances are you’re dropping another $100 bucks on a deep tissue massage so a tiny Thai woman can have a turn kneeing and elbowing you until you cry.
11. YOUR LBC’S OUTNUMBER YOUR LBD’S
At last count, you had twenty pairs of almost identical little black workout capri pants and you’re always looking for another pair. But every time there’s a fancy function or a date night, you’re screwed because “you have nothing to wear.” Luckily, this doesn’t happen too often because (see below, #12)
12. THE GYM IS YOUR SOCIAL LIFE
Admit it, the place where everybody knows your name isn’t that cool neighborhood bar or hip coffee shop, it’s the gym or the exercise studio you frequent. You see the same faces day after day, and somehow they become part of your daily routine. It even passes for your social life, and weirdly, you’re okay with that because you’re surrounded by like-minded individuals who invite you to go eat kale and drink protein smoothies afterwards so you can gossip about the instructor and other classmates.
Heck, even the ones you don’t know by name but have nickname monikers for like “Butt Sweat” or “Camel Toe” have a special place in your heart as you nod and smile at them.
What other warning signs would you list? Please share in the comments below!
Minsun Park is a blogger, writer and a black belt in taekwondo who gets her ass handed to her daily by her two sons. She’s written for iVillage, SheKnows, ePregnancy and is featured in “The Hot Mom’s Handbook” by Jessica Denay. She can also be found on Facebook and Twitter