Well, it turns out that our beloved fitness instructors do talk a lot of sh*t. So much sh*t, in fact, I needed to write a sequel to the popular “Sh*t Your Fitness Instructor Says.”
For the record, I am in tremendous awe of fitness professionals and have the deepest admiration and respect for their tough love techniques. It takes talent and charisma to motivate a class to work through their pain and get them to focus. But like any relationship, there are difficult moments when you just want to throat punch your loved one. The same goes with trainers. No matter how much the endorphins are flowing, I’m still dying and well, you’re still talking.
1. DON’T FORGET TO BREATHE!
I’m not forgetting, a**hole! You won’t (gasp)… let me (gasp)… catch my… breath. Let’s stop lying to each other and pretending that you’re concerned about my oxygen intake.
2. COME ON, STAY WITH ME!
Every instructor says that during the final reps of a brutal exercise or sprint. But this always makes me feel like I’m the dying heroine in a long, drawn-out movie death scene, where the protagonist is slapping me around and scolding me not to die. Please, just let me die in peace.
3. ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME?
I’m not just talking about cheating on the exercises. I’m talking about the guilt trip that follows after you’ve become a regular in a particular class and you are caught straying into a different class – with a different instructor. Gasp! Then all kinds of drama ensues.
In my defense, I’m a bit of workout whore. I can never stay faithful to one instructor for too long before I get restless for variety and the fitness philandering begins. All I care about is scoring my next lactic acid hit. Heck, I’ll even do multiple instructors at the same studio in the same day! That’s when things start to get really awkward and the following passive-aggressive comments fly.
They can be as indirect as, “So, missed you in class last week” to the more direct: “How come you don’t come to my class anymore?” I always find myself stammering some excuse about work or the kids and then hate myself. I mean, it’s not like we’re in a monogamous relationship, so why do I feel so guilty?
4. DON’T MAKE CRAZY FACES – MAKE IT LOOK EASY!
Warning: This is such a trap! Do not make the rookie mistake of trying to compose your face! If you do succeed in making it look easy, they’ll just think you’re not working hard enough and remedy that situation by bumping up your speeds on the treadmill or handing you heavier weights. My purple, vein-bulging, exertion face may be alarming to behold, but it’s a tried and true defense mechanism.
5. I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING, YOU KICKED YOUR OWN ASS!
It may sound like false modesty, but this is just a sneaky abdication of responsibility. It’s a favorite Jedi mind trick of fitness instructors and personal trainers. Don’t fall for this gaslighting technique.
6. WATCH ME AND PAY ATTENTION WHILE I DEMONSTRATE THIS EXERCISE!
But watch for a heartbeat too long and you’ll get #7 yelled at you.
7. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!? DON’T JUST STAND THERE – MOVE!
Um, you just told me to watch you – oh never mind!
8. GO TO FAILURE!
So I’m doing bicep curls until my arms feel like they’re going to snap off, but I’m going to “failure” as instructed, until I… can’t… do… another… rep. Finally, my muscles simply give out on me and without fail, that’s the moment your instructor happens to look in your direction and yells at you for stopping. SEE BELOW.
9. DON’T GIVE UP!
I’M NOT GIVING UP, I’VE GONE TO FAILURE MOTHEREFFER!
10. DON’T WORRY ABOUT WHAT YOUR NEIGHBOR IS DOING!
Sounds good. Until you hear this. See below.
11. IF ONE OF YOU STOPS, THEN ALL OF YOU ARE GOING TO SPRINT/DO PUSHUPS/START OVER/INSERT OTHER INHUMANE PUNISHMENT HERE!!
Okay. That is so spectacularly unfair. But now I’m suddenly really concerned about what my slacker neighbor is doing or rather, not doing. In fact, so concerned that I may have to wait for them after class, in the parking lot.
I know I’m missing something here, so what else would you add to this list?
Minsun Park is a blogger, writer and a black belt in taekwondo who gets her ass handed to her daily by her two sons. She’s written for iVillage, SheKnows, ePregnancy and is featured in “The Hot Mom’s Handbook” by Jessica Denay. She can also be found on Facebook and Twitter