Loud music, tight clothes and hard, sweaty bodies bumping up against each other, it’s no wonder group fitness classes are the new happy hour. Whether you’re getting killed or killing it, you want your workout hour to be a time when you take a break from all the other stresses of your day. Unfortunately, despite your best efforts, class clowns don’t stop in high school, and they can be the biggest endorphin buzzkills if you have a close encounter. Do you recognize any of these?
THE LOUD TALKERS
Whether they’re on their cell phones or gabbing with each other, if they ran their legs half as fast as their mouths, they would be in killer shape.
THE BATHROOM SQUATTERS
What are they even doing in there? Pooping? Dying? Changing? Texting? They do have one benefit – you burn an extra 100 calories hopping around, waiting to pee.
They’ve pretty much emptied out the entire dumbbell rack and strewn it everywhere around their bench. And yours. They never seem to use the lockers and insist on bringing their purses, phones, shirts and keys up on the treadmills or against the walls. Of course, they have a million mats out, too. All of which, you are tripping over.
Yes, it hurts. But the way you’re moaning makes me want to light a cigarette after class or call an exorcist. Just stop. You’re creeping us out and making us horny at the same time. It’s confusing.
Maybe they’ve just got exercise dyslexia, but they just make up their own runs on the treadmill and their own creative choreography on the floor. Even if they’re doing the right exercise, they’re still making up their own variation. Of course, you’re always behind this particular individual and end up copying them if you can’t hear/see the instructor demonstrating and YOU end up getting called out or corrected. Careful who you cheat off, people!
This person is really just hanging out instead of working out. While their thumbs are jacked from all the texting, they lie down on their mats or stroll out to the lobby to get a drink or chat with friends.
While healthy competition can push you into new personal bests, this hyper-competitive beast is also going at least .1 faster than you on the treadmill and doing one extra rep on the floor. They end up with a smug smirk, and you end up with a hamstring pull trying to beat them.
THE TREAT BEARER
These fitness saboteurs come bearing treats, yummy homemade, fattening, sugary treats that look so delicious after a workout. Maybe I’ll just have one, or two or three.
When you’re transitioning between the bench and treadmill, you are sharing with another classmate. Sometimes this person is your workout swolemate. Other times, well, not so much. They take forever to get off the treadmill and leave it splattered with sweat and make sure to keep it running so you can step on it and eat it. When they’re coming off the floor, they forget to flip your mat or worse yet, hide it somewhere, forcing you to get a new one. Spill water or sweat all over the floor, turning your mat into a slip n’ slide. You spend most of the workout praying there are no partner exercises.
To be painfully honest, most of us are guilty of committing some of these crimes against humanity at some point, so please forgive us our occasional trespasses, and we’ll buy you a shake on the way out. And compare notes on who burned more calories.
Minsun Park is a blogger, writer and a black belt in taekwondo who gets her ass handed to her daily by her two sons. She’s written for iVillage, SheKnows, ePregnancy and is featured in “The Hot Mom’s Handbook” by Jessica Denay. She can also be found on Facebook and Twitter